The Great Mysteries of Rayearth
by Le Penguin
Summary: The eternal--why we're here, why the toast always lands butter side down--will not be answered here. However, we did find out what underwear the characters are wearing. Slight spoilers.
1. Chapter 1

(A/N) I've had this on my hardrive for a while; I was a bit bored so I added a few questions and uploaded it. In other words, I have far too much free time. Submit questions if you wish.

~*

_Where's Hikaru's mother? Her CLAMP profile says she has one._

The Caribbean.

_Okay, smart-ass, what's she doing in the __Caribbean__?_

            Touch-y; you didn't ask THAT. She's getting psychiatric help due to her harrowing experiences with raising a child that can grow cat ears.

_What IS Mokona?_

            Alas, some things will forever be left unanswered until Mokona decides to give us a tissue sample.

Why does Eagle bother going out in FTO, when he could just blast stuff to iddy bitty bite size microwaveable pieces with the NSX's Laguna Cannon?

            Because he looks really sexy tied up in those wires. 

Also, from experience. You see, one day Eagle left FTO alone to go out with Lantis. This was back when Lantis had just come to Autozam, so Eagle was showing him the sights (And we all know what those sights are--the back of the movie theater, the fourth floor broom closet of the Autozamian National Congress House, etc.). Zazu was quite drunk that day. Per usual. So he proposed to FTO. Eagle came back just in time to interrupt the ceremony, and untie Geo and get him out of the flower girl outfit Zazu had forced him into. So if Eagle ever leaves FTO alone, Zazu will marry it.

_Everyone--boxers or briefs?_

            Well, we caught up with the characters to ask them ourselves...

Hikaru: Huh?

Umi: PERVERT!

Fuu: [BLUSH] ...Does Ferio want to know?

Clef: Leave me alone.

Presea: That depends. In my normal pharle-wear, I feel that briefs give me the most mobility and comfort. In my Escudo-creating wear, silk all the way.

Mokona: Puu-puu-pu, puu pu pupupupu pu-pu! (Trans.: Funny you should ask, silk thongs give me the most comfort for my holy bottom!)

Ferio: Boxers! Everything in its place. 

(Note: Since this interview, we have been able to get a sample of Ferio's choice of undergarments courtesy of a short, trench-coated stranger with a limited vocabulary. It appears that Ferio actually wears Care Bears tighty-whiteys.)

Primera: [giggle] Whatever turns Lantis on!

Lantis: Mind your own business.

Eagle: Underwear? [sweet smile] I'm not wearing any.

Geo: [No response; on the floor from blood loss after hearing Eagle's answer]

Zazu: [hic] Whaaa? Underpants? [hic] Surrrrre, yerr a pretty hot-lookin' chick...[hic]

Tarta: [No response; our interviewer has not yet come back from this interview. Distress signals from Chizeta seem to conclude that he has been hospitalized and imprisoned.]

Tatra: [sips tea] Ahhh, this tea is so good! [sip] Hmm? What question? [sip] Underwear? That's not a very polite question to ask of a princess, now is it? [sip]

Aska: PERVERT! WE WILL _NOT_ HAVE THIS! SANGYUUUUUUUUN!!

Sangyun: [covering ears] Aska-sama, please stop yelling, you're setting off the alarm system!!

Chang An: [No response; our interviewer was not able to ask, as Aska's shrieking had short-circuited the navigation systems on the Dome and it was careening into the nearest planet.]

_How go the characters' love lives?_

            Well, Fuu and Ferio have been seen walking around Cephiro Palace, and Fuu didn't even smack Ferio when he tried to stick his hand up her shirt. But Umi did, as she and Ascot have taken to spying on the Palace residents for their new newsletter, the_ Cephirian Enquirer. Eagle and Lantis (and Eagle and Geo, when Geo comes to visit) have taken to spending their days in the gardens painting...see _Cephirian Enquirer_ volume 3, issue 1 for more information and exclusive pictures. Hikaru normally tries to catch up with Eagle and Lantis every day she can, but she tends not to be able to quite catch on to their art lessons. Presea has taken to aiding Clef in his laboratory on his life's project, though it is unclear as to what Clef is actually making. _

_If Alcyone showed up stark naked and threw herself onto the ground in front of Zagato, would he notice?_

            Probably, though I doubt he'd care. 

_If a tree fell in a forest, and nobody was around to hear it, would it make a noise?_

            That's not a Rayearth question, now is it? Well, let's ask the one who would know the least about this particular topic: Hikaru!

Hikaru: [blink] 

That was insightful, Hikaru! Now, let's ask Tatra!

Tatra: [sips tea] Why, of course it would! It would say, "Oh my god! I'm falling! Oh sweet lord above I'm falling!! Won't someone help me, oh this is gonna hurt HELP, HELP ME!!" [sip] And by then it would have hit the ground, and would be rolling around on the forest floor crying, while all of the other trees laughed at it. 

_If the Pillar is all-powerful, why didn't Emeraude just change the rule that said she couldn't love anyone?_

            Cause she was stupid. That's why anyone does anything.


	2. And This Would Be Chapter 2

(A/N) It seems that there were more Eternal Questions then I had previously thought. Anyway, please send in any questions so I don't have to think of my own. Yay laziness. 

~*

"...Okay, how do we do this?"

"What if I put my hand..."

"Oooooohhhh...try lower..."

"Alright...and then my fingers..."

The screen blinked on. Hikaru giggled and clapped.

"Yaaaay Eaggie! He got the screen turned on!"

Lantis sighed in relief and began to pull off the aluminum foil accessories Eagle and Hikaru had forced him into for better reception. Hikaru flung herself onto the couch in the large library where the camera had finally focused. Eagle sat down much more calmly, and Lantis slumped beside the two.

"Okie-kay, as you can see, we're doing a bit different formatting for this chapter of The Great Mysteries of Rayearth!" Hikaru bubbly informed, bouncing up and down on the couch cushions. "But we'll still be answering your questions to the bestest of our thinky organs!"

Eagle and Lantis merely shook their heads, wondering how one person could be so very, very...Hikaru.

Eagle smiled against it, and continued. "Today, we'll be answering questions that have plagued the greatest minds of our time. Let's dive right in, shall we?"

An assistant wheeled in a cart of letters, and Lantis reached a hand inside to fish out a handful of paper. 

"First set. Let's go." Lantis said, bored out of his mind already and only doing this because Eagle and Hikaru had dragged him here. He wouldn't have come, but Eagle had threatened to stop sleeping with him. Now, that...that Lantis simply could not have happen.

Hikaru plucked a letter from Lantis and sniffed it. She smiled dementedly.

"Smells like doughnuts..." she giggled, opening the letter.

~*

_Do Umi's parents work at Krispy Kreme?_ -- an question itching the brain of Albert the Loser/Person204999

            Hmm...like me, you are probably under the assumption that Umi's father is a politician, and Umi's mother is a housewife. But you'd be wrong, of course. I mean, how else could Umi have learned to bake pastries so well? Aliens? Pheh; they're only responsible for reality TV shows and mulch. Everybody thinks that they were responsible for the pyramids, too, but we all know that those were built by cabbage. Now, Easter Island on the other haeghbv7eghbv7577j7uvhjn mjun

            This is Eagle Vision typing, taking the keyboard away from Hikaru Shidou on behalf of The Great Mysteries of Rayearth. Lantis and I have outvoted Hikaru to get her to sit down. One must love democracy.

_Does Mokona wear makeup?_ -- a Revlon-riffic question of Albert the Loser/Person204999

Mokona? Who...ah yes, the fluffy thing that ate Hikaru and I and nearly got us both killed. Well, let us ask.

Mokona: Tsh, girl-FRIEND, I got this gorgeous pale fur all on ma marshmallow lonesome, hear? Whateva that bee-yotch Windam goes tellin' y'all, he's just gotta 'cept dat he ain't neva gon' have this sexy bod! Me n' ma boy Selece have our OWN secrets about how to keep the fans a'comin', check?

            ...Well, we will keep you info--Hikaru, let go of the

            Ehhehehehe Monkona is sew FUNNI!! I leik Mokona becawsse he givs me candie mmmmmMMMMmm I like candie it is gud adn Moknoa is flufi. Eaggie and Lantie ar teling me two use the spelchek. I do not no what tht is. Eaggie cheked my speling when I was tieping beefor. My techer seys I am not a gud speler. Eaggie and Lantie probly ar. They ar smert. I leik thm a lot. They leik each othre a lot two. I no that cuz one time I snuk in two Sepherow at nite to suprize them and they wer in Eaggie's rom and they wer veri veri loude. They sonded happi tho. Sew I went in ther two mak sure that they wer ok but they did not se me. I wached them for a whil. They semed veri veri happi. I 'm givign the keybord back two Eaggie now.

_Is Sangyun addicted to peaches?_ -- a momo-tastic inquiry of Albert the Loser/Person204999

            Sadly, yes, the young boy suffered a long and painful flirtation with the dark underworld of peaches and peach products. Let's ask the person who knows him best for the full story.

Aska: [sniff] Yuh-huh...Sangyun, TISSUES! [blows nose, gulps] A-anyway...he didn't start out like this...at first, he was asking for just a pastry here, some tea here. But then he started to get surly when I ate the last pastry...started to sneak out of the Dome at night to buy cheap knockoffs from dealers...I told him not to do such things; I mean, knockoffs can kill faster then the real thing! [sniff] At the height of his addiction, he was eating ten times the amount of peaches just to get the same buzz...[sniff] But we got him help! A month in rehab in St. Emeraude National Clinic...he's in a much more capable place now. [gulps] Thanks for listening. It gets so much easier when you talk about it.  

_Does Lantis dye his hair? I mean; in lots of anime shots it's black, in the OAV it kinda looks blackish purple, and in some it's got white highlights..._

            I don't dye my hair. Who told you I did? My hair's natural. Why would I need to dye it? I mean, if I was actually a blond under all of this dye, or if I had pastel pink hair--wait, Lantis, don't give yourself away, keep your cool, gotta keep that mysterious charm wait a minute why am I typing this?! STOP SAYING I DYE MY HAIR OR I WILL YELL AT YOU! I'll get my blankie, I will!! I WILL!!

            Eagle Vision typing again. Well, now you've made Lantis cry. For the record, Lantis does not dye his hair. I speak from personal experience; as no hair dye could possibly last long under the amount of oils/chocolate sauce/etceteras that I utilize on him. 

~*

The camera focused in on the library again, where Hikaru was standing in a cheerleader's outfit. She giggled. 

"Hihi! Welcome to the Intermission!"

Eagle waved from the couch, where Lantis sat with his head on Eagle's lap; cuddling a blanket and sucking his thumb. 

"Hikaru suggested that she perform an intermission show for the readers while Lantis calms down." Eagle explained.

Hikaru produced a pair of batons from behind her back. She grinned.

"I'm gonna try something I saw in a cartoon!" 

She proceeded to light the batons ablaze. Eagle and Lantis looked on nervously.

"...H...Hikaru, are you sure you know what you're doing?"

Hikaru waved them off. "A'course I do! When has Spongebob ever steered me wrong?"

"That time when you--"

Giggle. "Ready, set, go!"

CRASH.

"OH SH--"

~*

We are experiencing technical difficulties. In the meantime, observe this hamster.

A hamster appeared on the screen, running around in an exercise wheel and looking cute.

Observe the hamster.

Observe his jolly scampering.

...

We now return you to your scheduled program, already in progress.

~*

The camera blinked back into the library, where charred furniture still smoldered. Hikaru, covered with a light dust of ash but otherwise as lively as ever, waved. Eagle and Lantis, also covered with a light dust of ash, dashed around in the background with fire extinguishers, snuffing out the remainders of the flames. 

"Welcome back!" Hikaru chirped. "We had a little oopsie with the batons!"

Eagle and Lantis trudged to the scorched couch and flopped down. They both shook their heads.

"Why are the pretty ones always so dumb?" muttered Lantis. 

Eagle nodded in agreement, and plastered on another smile. "Anyway, let's get back to the questions, shall we?"

Hikaru picked up another letter from a cinder pile, dusting it off and opening it.

~*

_What's in each of the character's closets?_

            Aren't we just a little obsessed fangirl/boy? Well, no reason against just a little peek...

Hikaru: A mess

Umi: Water wings, a passageway to the neighborhood cake store, Mokona voodoo kit

Fuu: Neatly stacked textbooks with naked pictures of Ferio in them

Clef: Stacks of Victoria's Secret catalogs hidden behind robes and spare staffs

Presea: Whips and other instruments of punishment, a Mokona dartboard

Mokona: An interdimensional passageway a la _The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, several scrapbooks filled with photos of him torturing Umi, Presea, and Primera_

Ferio: A mini refrigerator, some of Clef's magazines 

Ascot: A carefully measured growth chart, photos of Umi, several very large friends

Caldina: Victorian dresses hidden behind dresses cut up to her tonsils and spiked heels

Lafarga: Frilly dresses so he can look pretty

Primera: A shrine to Lantis made out of gum and hair, Hikaru and Eagle voodoo dolls

Lantis: Several Primera voodoo dolls impaled on knives, Care Bear plushies hidden underneath a pile of Eagle and Hikaru plushies

Eagle: His medication, some of Geo's candy, several of Geo and Lantis' shirts

Geo: Stacks of candy, Eagle plushies

Zazu: Tons of empty booze bottles, a shrine to FTO

Tarta: Martial arts and fencing gear, a practice dummy with Tatra's face scrawled onto it

Tatra: Scrapbooks and video tapes from when Tarta was little for blackmail purposes 

Aska: Crayon pictures of Chang An with devil horns, dolls, love letters from Sangyun

Sangyun: Neatly stacked textbooks hidden under a pile of Aska photos

Chang An: Empty jugs of anti-aging cream, angry letters to Oil of Olay

The hall closet: Eagle and Geo

_What would happen if Umi really did eat Mokona?_ -- a biting question of Ryuko

            Well, as we all know, marshmallows, although tasty, are not health foods. Mokona seems to have the composition of marshmallows; ergo, if Ms. Ryuuzaki ate Mokona, he would go straight to her thighs. To combat this, when preparing Mokona, practice restraint--make sure to cut him into evenly sliced pieces and place him in an airtight plastic bag in a freezer for more servings and healthier snacking. He can be frozen for up to three weeks before he starts to regenerate. 

_What do the mashin do when they're not carting the Knights around? Doesn't it get boring in that dimension of theirs?_

            Of course it does; you don't think that they actually stay there and sleep all the time? After the first millennium, they had already exhausted the possibilities of I Spy, Poker, Strip Poker, Strip Candyland, Strip Twister, Strip Battleship, Strip Scrabble, and What Do I Smell. They go on monthly excursions to various lands with the Wad o' Fluff creator of the universe, and have gotten thrown into jail a record 457,769,564,589 times in 7,800,800 different countries. The spokesmashin for the trio, Rayearth, says that once they break 500,000,000,000; they're going to DisneyWorld.

_Whatever happened to the Knights' families? You see them about twice, and they're gone._

            Hikari was scouted to be the new spokespuppy for Purina biscuits, and has become quite the celebrity. Masaru and Kakeru were involved in a freak accident with a genetically enhanced squirrel, and are now mild-mannered overprotective brothers by day; caped crusaders by night. Satoru makes sure that they don't kill themselves, as while having a big bushy tail is impressive, it does not make for the best super power. Kuu is the newest super-nemesis of the Ultra-Squirrel Duo--ditzy schoolgirl by day, pastry burglar by night. Umi's parents have not yet gotten into the superhero business; however they are making a mint off the plushie royalties.

~*

Eagle smiled and tossed the last question sheets behind him.

"That's all for today, everyone." 

Hikaru pointed to the screen, winking. "Send in your questions for next time, when there'll be a new trio of hosts!"

Lantis stayed quiet, not even looking at the camera. Eagle nudged him, giving him a look. Lantis reluctantly waved good-bye, while Eagle and Hikaru blew kisses to the readers.

"See ya soon!"


End file.
